We can't always stop the wave, but we can learn to surf.
We all know that life and change can be stressful. But some life changes are more stressful than others, even positive changes. Because the effects of change can be experienced for several months or more, it's important to know the signs of excessive stress.
Many of us effectively cope with stress, many of us do not. What makes for the difference among people, families, and children?
Enter: Resiliency. Resiliency is the ability of individuals, families, workgroups, and children to thrive and adapt ... to bounce back when faced with challenges or difficulties. It is an essential ability for helping people maintain their health, productivity, confidence and satisfaction. It's a crucial sustainable resource for individuals and familes to keep healthy.
Picture what resiliency is. Think of someone you know personally whom you'd describe as resilient. What are some of the qualities that make them that way?
Confidence, assertiveness, optimism, grace, hope and strength are some that come to mind. Resiliency makes a difference not only because it improves health, productivity and success, but also because, without, it people, kids and families suffer.
The benefits?
Supportive, fully-engaged, healthy individuals and families are best able to manage the competing demands of work and family and can best contribute to their own success in school, work, at home and at play.
Resiliency isn't new although it seems to be the latest buzz word in the stress management literature. Aspects of it have been studied for nearly a century. It's a quality each of us can develop, regardless of our background or training.
In order to keep our own resiliency strong, it needs tobe sustained through our own efforts, through the support of others, and with the help of a supportive climate, both at home, at school and at work.
Most of us already do a few things to keep ourselves more resilient. Some of these strategies reduce stress; some take us out of ourselves and our usual routine; some strengthen our bodies; and some make us laugh or smile.
Think about the things you already do in your life, either at work or at home to build and sustain resiliency.
Each of us has a kind of internal bank account of resiliency. When faced with stress or demands, we use up some of our resiliency assets in order to keep going and stay healthy and productive.
As these assets become depleted, they need to be replenished in order to keep balanced.
Picture your life as a balance between life's demands and resiliency assets. The demands are normal everyday hassles and the changes that come our way.
The higher the demands, the more resiliency assets we have to spend, and the more those assets will need to be rebuilt.
Resiliency helps us deal with too much stress. Some stress isn't a bad thing. In fact, too little stress can be just as harmful as too much.
As we increase our resiliency, we increase our ability to handle stress. That makes us less susceptible to illness, and family and emotional problems.
Pay attention to the warning signs of depleted resilency reserves and too much stress.
Finding our ideal balance of demands and resiliency assets helps us perform at our highest level of productivity.
If we feel outside our comfort zone and heed our warning signs, we can bounce back by calling on four basic types of resiliency assets. The first two — core beliefs and capabilites — are areas we can control and increase on our own.
The last two — supportive community and climate — refer to joint assets that people can build for each other at home and at work.
These include a sense of purpose; hopefulness and trust; confidence in oneself and others; learning and connecting with others; managing our reactions and situations; and our creative energy.
Revitalizing and recharging ourselves is an individual process. Do what ever works for you.
We all know the saying "It takes a village."
This speaks to having a supportive community and climate where we can feel respected, supported, valued and belonging, in addition to being part of a mutual network of assistance, information and companionship. Humans, by nature, enjoy opportunities to make meaningful contributions with others.
Each of us can influence resiliency positively or negatively with just about anything we do. One person's continued doubt or negativity can undermine a group's resiliency. One person's regular encouragement, consideration and optimism can spread throughout the group or family.
How do we teach resiliency to children?
All parents hope their children will overcome adversity, tragedy and stress in their lives But not all are sure how to teach this ability.
Building resiliency in your children can help them manage stress, cope with everyday challenges, solve problems and bounce back from disappointment.
You can help your children build lifelong resilience with these tips:
- Encourage your children to share their challenges and disappointments with you and then be sure to listen.
- Consistently support them through times of adversity.
- Lead by example. Take care of yourself and maintain an optimistic and hopeful outlook.
- Help them work toward realistic goals and praise them when they make progress.
- Teach them to see the humor in everyday situations and in themselves.
- Help your children to learn to make decisions and solve problems by themselves.
- Remind them that mistakes are learning opportunities.
- Help them accept that changes and setbacks are a part of life.
- Give them regular opportunities to succeed.
- Remind them of the time they handled hardships in the past.
- Do at least one thing to make your children feel special and appreciated each day.
Let them know that "This too, shall pass." The future can be good, even if the current situation is not.
By Julie Brewster, LCSW, ACSW