As our culture becomes more preoccupied with success, hyper achievement is becoming a norm in family values.
There is pressure for the "good" parent to provide their children with a wide range of competitive opportunities and to become intensely involved in managing a demanding schedule. The idea is that by exposing children to these early competitive experiences, you are preparing them for academic, athletic and extracurricular successes.
These demands on kids, which often begin at an early age, are usually motivated by the desire to give children a competitive edge or to build their selfesteem. In an effort by well-intended parents to help children excel, kids are racing to meet the multiple demands of traveling sports teams, music lessons, academic tutoring, and school enrichment programs. The thinking seems to be that self-esteem is driven by a long list of accomplishments and the children's ability to compete. Given our current culture it is understandable that parents feel this way, but it is also misguided.
These frantic childhood schedules come at a cost. Perhaps one of the greatest is the disintegration of family time. Nothing shapes a child's life more than the family experience. Parents teach their children what to love and value, expectations regarding their behavior, and how they are perceived and experienced by others. Families need to protect themselves from excessive interruptions and demands in order to teach these lessons. If the family connection is undermined by over-scheduling, it is the cultural influence, rather than the family influence, that begins to define our children.
In an increasingly complex world, most kids need more time with an engaged adult than an additional activity to attend.
The cultural message is "the more activities, the better." Yet children who are shuttled from one activity to the next often have only a superficial immersion in an activity. Multiple activities can lead to boredom and lack of passion.
Passion is critical to the competence building that parents seek for several reasons:
- It is internally motivated, which gives kids greater persistence and encourages a love of learning,
- It increases frustration tolerance through the struggle to attain mastery.
- Praise or success is less of a motivator than simply doing the activity.
Crowding out passion by trying to provide unlimited opportunities denies children the chance to develop a deeper interest and a stronger sense of identity and self-assurance.
Another cost of our cultural demands is the orientation toward perfection among adolescents. Perfectionism is highly regarded in our society because it is associated with high levels of achievement. However, perfectionism lends itself to unrealistic performance expectations, a low tolerance for disappointment and increased anxiety. Each of these factors undermines the real foundation for positive self-regard, which includes an ability to cope with disappointments, a critical self-assessment that allows for mistakes, and the ability to maintain the persistence needed for true mastery.
Perfectionism is a trait that actually perpetuates low self-esteem, as it is critical of every effort, focuses on every flaw or mistake, discounts anything positive in your accomplishments and discourages positive risk taking.
Perfectionism in adolescents prompts a parallel trait in parents. This trait is the desire to protect their children from the setbacks or disappointments that are fueled by perfectionism. This may be done by giving children a false sense of confidence, empty praise or an inflated sense of what they are able to accomplish.
While important, praise or compliments are not what builds self-esteem. Children are in need of honest, but gentle, feedback that is grounded in reality. Positive self-regard comes from meaningful activity, responsibility, and persistence. Whatever the outcome, there must be the expectation of hard work. The message "despite your disappointment, I know you will persevere" goes a long way.
If a parent cringes at a child's setback and treats them as if they were fragile, the child will indeed feel fragile. It is a parent's job to help a child see that setbacks are inevitable and the expectation is to persist despite mistakes. Confidence develops in the process of the hard work rather than the outcome of the task. Children who are oriented to perfection become more risk-averse and are often motivated by the fear of failure rather than the satisfaction of engaging in meaningful work.
The current thinking is more is better and the busiest families have been held up as the model for success in our achievement-oriented culture. Parents want what is best for their children and are trying to promote healthy development and a sense of accomplishment by providing so many activities and opportunities for success. But the demands on kids, and their schedules, have become excessive.
Life for most families has become so busy that many parents have not stopped to reflect on whether this "busyness" makes any sense or is meeting the needs they hoped. Kids are going from one activity to another with little consideration given to the value of family time or solitude. Studies indicate that families are spending less and less time interacting, while kids are reporting that they would like to have more time with their parents.
It is important to prepare our children for success in this competitive climate, but it may be time to revisit how to best prepare them. Though simplistic, protecting family time is critical to that end. Children need time and space for refueling, reflection and creating. They need attention, affection, guidance, discipline and conversation. Children need laughter and playtime. And they need a responsible, caring adult to know and love them intimately and to be actively engaged in the development of their character and morals.
Success, self-regard, growth — all can be best developed in the context of family. Yes, we have the responsibility to connect our children to opportunities for accomplishment in the broader community. But we would all be well served by looking at our choices a little more critically and following through in a mindful, selective manner.
Signs of over-scheduling
- An increase in negative temperament characteristics, such as whining, separation anxiety or oppositional behavior
- Complaints that scheduled activities are "boring" or resistance to attending scheduled activities
- Changes in sleeping or eating habits, moods swings, repeated illness or a decline in academic or extracurricular performance
- An increase in fighting or irritability, particularly around transitions.
Protecting family time
- Limit activities of family members. Have one day a week when nothing is scheduled, maintain regular mealtimes, or institute family meetings or game night.
- Create family rituals which protect time. Read aloud together, have nightly bedtime conversations, make meals as a family, or attend religious services.
- Maintain family routines. The repetitive nature of routines provides children comfort, predictability and a sense of control.
- Turn off the TV, the computer and cell phones.
- Work together, rather than dividing chores, so that children can contribute to communal work and feel genuinely useful.
- Celebrate together and develop traditions that support family relationships.
Mary Beth Garvey if a family therapist in private practice in Grosse Pointe.