How to Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home

by Ted Kasper, MA, LMSW

Q: I have been told to hold my 10 year old son accountable, but what does that exactly mean?

A: When we talk about accountability and our children, I think the question might be restated:  how will you make sure your son accounts for his actions? In other words, how will your son take responsibility for his behavior after the fact? Also, how can you help him think about that responsibility before he behaves inappropriately?

As parents, we are also teachers and coaches for our children. We want to promote a system of responsibility and accountability for actions in our homes. That means that each member of your family is responsible for their own actions and behaviors, including how they choose to respond in stressful or frustrating situations. Without accountability in place, kids blame others for their actions, refuse to follow rules that they find unfair, and find ways to justify their behavior.

When you have created a Culture of Accountability in your home, your child will know that no matter who started it or whatever happened first, everyone is responsible for their own behavior, and everyone has to follow the house rules. Blaming someone else doesn't change the rules.

1: Be clear about expectations & set clear limits
If you have a rule in your home of no name calling, here's how to set clear expectations and limits around it. Let your child know the following: "In this home, we don't call people names. It doesn't matter if someone makes you really angry or if they started it. Each person is responsible for following the rules. If you call someone else a name-remember, it doesn't matter who started it-you will lose some of your game time today." Kids will often shift the focus to someone, or something, else. If this happens, you can say "It sounds like your blaming your brother for the fact that you called him names. Be clear about the rules and what each person can expect to happen if they choose not to follow the rules. Posting the rules on the refrigerator helps everyone be aware of the rules.

2: Talk to your child & help them figure out how they will follow the rules
It isn't enough to simply say "don't do that". Help them problem-solve. It doesn't matter if they think the expectations are fair or not-they simply need to take responsibility for meeting them.

3: Give a gentle reminder of what is expected
Once your children have come up with ways to help themselves follow the rules, you can use what is referred to as giving a gentle reminder of what is expected, or cueing. When you hear your child begin to get annoyed, you might say, "Remember what we've been talking about? You are responsible for following the rules. Why don't you check your list of things that you're going to do that could help when you're having trouble following the rules?" As was previously suggested, to help in creating the Culture of Accountability for everyone, you might also consider posting the family rules/expectations in a very visible place where everyone can see them, such as the refrigerator door.

4: Use consequences to hold your child accountable
Once you have clarified the rules and helped your child come up with some ideas on how he might behave, let him know what he can expect to happen if he still chooses to break the rules. Be sure to follow through on the consequences you set. Without clear consequences, there is no real incentive for your child to become accountable.

You might be thinking "I know my child is responsible for following our rules, but how do I hold him accountable when he doesn't want to be?"  You can't consistently get your child to want to do something that he doesn't want to do. However, you can use effective parenting strategies in combination with rewards and consequences to get your child to become accountable.

When you first try to put a Culture of Accountability into practice, your children may fail to meet their responsibilities, even with clear limits and good problem solving techniques. It will take practice to help them understand that they will be held accountable for their actions. With consistency and practice, your children will learn that they are responsible for their actions and behaviors. It's never too early, or too late, to start a Culture of Accountability in your home.

Ted Kasper is a licensed social worker in Macomb County who is employed by Macomb County Community Mental Health as Training Coordinator. In his private practice, he provides counseling to children, adolescents, adults and families. He specializes in Behavior Analysis & Interventions; Parent Coaching, Mentoring and Support and "SuperNanny Services" (behavioral observation, action planning, and interventions).

Ted Kasper is a member of The Family Center's Association of Professionals.

Save the Date
Thursday, November 18, 6pm
The culture of accountability and the 1 minute behavior change plan
Free workshop with hands-on learning and individual instruction on how to start a Culture of Accountability in your home.

Barnes Early Childhood Center, 20090 Morningside Dr., Grosse Pointe Woods
Pre-registration required: Workshop limited to first 20 attendees.
No Fee.  Register early! RSVP by November 11, 313.432.3832

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