Strong Girls
Question: My 6th grade daughter was so excited about going to her school dance, but after a fight with a few of her friends, she no longer wants to go. Now, I'm having a difficult time getting her to go to school. What can I do for her?
Answer: Erin Williams, a Licensed Child and Family Therapist in Grosse Pointe works with adolescent girls and their families and answers your question as follows: I tell girls at this age that this is one of the messiest and most difficult times in life!
This always gives them some hope! I believe this to be the truth because girls are made to handle the worst kind of social bullying and situations without having fully honed the skills to deal with them effectively and confidently.
Let's start from the beginning. What is your role in the situation? Your role is to support your daughter and give her the confidence to deal with this situation on her own. Be understanding and empathetic, but push her to deal with the situation head on by saying something like "I understand Sarah, how badly this makes you feel, but you have a lot more power in this situation than you think. "
What do you encourage her to do? You have her confront the problem straight on. "I know it seems scary, but you need to start by explaining your side of the argument or misunderstanding to Janie". Tell her to call her friend. You want to encourage her to be confident and direct, but not threatening. Encourage her to use "I statements". For example, "I understand you are mad, but I think there has been a big misunderstanding, I understand you were hurt when I said that. I'd like to invite you over to watch a movie and figure this out." Help her role play before she makes the call.
Regardless of what happens after she tackles the problem head on, reward her! "Sarah! Great job! You succeeded in confronting one of your problems head on! It's only going to get easier from here on out! Let's go get ice cream!" Now it's time to encourage your daughter to expand her interests. We can't put everything into our relationships with one group of girls, because when something goes wrong, our world comes crashing down. Join a club, play a sport, start a book club, get involved with something outside of school. This will help build her self-esteem!
Arm your daughter with some key concepts:
- Don't take it personally: Everyone has their own lives and worries, which means not everything is about you! Someone might be having a bad day or have a mean look on their face, but chances are it is not because of the shirt you are wearing. Realize that kids at school may have a sick dog, too much homework, and fighting parents. Teach your daughter to keep this in the back of her mind and not to take every dirty look to heart.
- Ask Questions: If you have a question about what your girlfriend meant when she said what she did, ask her instead of gossiping about it.
- The More The Merrier: Make new friends! What is popularity anyways? Is it being exclusive and feared, or is it being friendly and admired? Make an effort to talk to someone new every day. Invite someone new to go get hot chocolate, or to see a movie. You have nothing to lose!
- You choose: You get to choose what and who you are, and no one else! Make a list of everything you are and hope to be! Only positive things please! Realize that you are the only one that has access to this list. You are the only one who gets to add, change, or delete things. These are your special traits that make you, you. So when someone says you are a "bad soccer player", consult your list. "Oops, 'bad soccer player' isn't on there, so I'm not going to own that. Thanks though."
- Loving Thyself: You can't say enough nice things to yourself! You should say them all day long! Say them in your head, write yourself notes on the mirror, in you locker, or wherever you like. You are brilliant, beautiful, smart, creative, and powerful!
Lastly, fill your daughter with love! Tell her every day how smart, beautiful, and powerful she is. She needs to hear everyday how proud you are of her. Not just for the obvious successes, but for the things she may have failed at, but tried anyways. Good luck! Hopefully, after all this, not only will she attend the dance, but she'll help plan it!
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The Family Center
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Grosse Pointe Woods, MI 48236
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