Matters of Choice: Recognizing Signs of Unhealthy Relationships
ASK THE EXPERTS by Sean Hogan-Downey, LMSW, LMFT
Q: My sophomore daughter has been dating a junior for six months. She is with him all the time. When they aren't together, he is constantly texting her or calling. She no longer sees her friends and the relationship seems very exclusive. When I try to talk about it, she defends him and says that it shows how much he loves her. She doesn't seem as light hearted as she used to be. What can I do.
A: You are wise to be concerned about the changes in your daughter since dating this young man. Teenagers are the fastest growing population at risk for dating abuse. Abuse can be defined as a consistent pattern of behavior in which one person exerts control and power over another. This can be physical, sexual, verbal or emotional.
Today's rules for dating are often shaped by the media and can be confusing. Young men still get the message "Real men take charge; Real men are strong and dominant" Teen girls with low self-esteem are vulnerable to allowing someone to control their life in the name of "love"
Regardless of gender, inexperience is a relevant factor since teens without much dating experience may not know what is and is not acceptable behavior in a dating relationship.
Some of the signs of unhealthy relationship you are noticing are: being jealous of friends and family; no boundaries around frequency of contact, constant checking up when apart and changes in mood /affect in your daughter.
Like so many social issues for teens, advice is not as important as connection to an adult who will listen and discuss how to help the teen explore possibilities.
Be behavioral - it keeps you non-judgmental.
State what you observe as changes in your daughter.
Hold off on any criticism or judgment toward her boyfriend.
Be factual.
Educate her about possible issues in unhealthy relationships such as criticism, controlling and isolation from friends and family.
Talk about jealousy and how the need to feel loved can prevent her being assertive and recognizing the right to say NO.
Be available.
Reassure her that you will be there to listen and support her without criticism.
Be sure to attend "Matters of Choice: Recognizing Signs of Unhealthy Relationships" on February 15, 2011. This enlightening presentation offered by The Family Center of Grosse Pointe and Harper Woods will address the warning signs of abusive relationships and how parents and friends can help
Sean Hogan-Downey, LMSW, LMFT is a Licensed Master Social Worker and Licensed Marriage and Family therapist. She has been in clinical practice for over 30 years. For over 10 years, she has had the pleasure of working at Grosse Pointe Academy as staff consultant and school counselor. Sean is a member of the The Family Center's Association of Professionals, Board and Program Planning Committee. She can be reached at 586.774.7779.
SAVE THE DATE
Matters of Choice: Recognizing Signs of Unhealthy Relationships
Tues. Feb. 15, 2011, 7pm:
Presenter: Sean Hogan Downey, LMSW, LMFT
St. Michael's Episcopal Church, Yeoman Hall
20475 Sunningdale Park, Grosse Pointe Woods (next to Parcells Middle School)
No Fee
RSVP by Feb 8 @ 313.432.3832
The Family Center, a 501(c) 3, non-profit organization, serves as the community's centralized hub for information, resources and referral for families and professionals.
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