About Teen Dating and Relationships

Ask the expert: Soroptimist International of Grosse Pointe

Q: What suggestions can you give me to guide my teenage daughters with dating?  Things have changed significantly since I was a teenager.  I try to guide them but they always say, "Mom you just don't understand!"  I really worry about both of them.

A:  Dating and intimate relationships are a normal part of growing up for many adolescents. Yet as teens form their first romantic relationships, they often are unclear about what constitutes a healthy relationship.  And for those who find themselves in an unhealthy relationship, very few know how to stop the behavior or where to go for help. As many as one-third of teens experience some form of abuse in their romantic dating relationships, including verbal, emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse.  Moreover, females ages 16-24 are more vulnerable to intimate partner violence than any other age group.  These statistics are especially alarming because we know that teen dating violence is typically not a one-time incident, but rather an established pattern of cyclical abuse that occurs over and over again - and can be very difficult to stop once it has begun.

The consequences of teen dating violence are dire, often leading to self-harming coping strategies such as substance abuse, eating disorders, risky sexual behaviors and even suicide.  For the targets of abuse, seeking help and/or ending the relationship can be extremely difficult.

Teens need to recognize danger signals that may crop up in a dating relationship.  Does their girlfriend or boyfriend:

• Harass them via cell phone or text messaging?
• Give orders or make all the decisions?
• Embarrass them in front of others?
• Try to control who they see, what they do, or what they wear?
• Monitor their computer or cell phone use?

Outreach to teens is particularly important because they may feel alone and believe that no one else could possibly understand what they are going through.  They may also feel they wouldn't be believed even if they did tell someone.  In addition, should a teen in an abusive relationship decide to seek help, they may not know where to find it.  

For parents, just thinking about the possibility their teen could be in an abusive relationship can be very upsetting and frightening.  However, parents play a powerful and critical role in providing life-saving support for their teen should they discover he/she is in an abusive relationship.

Some Early Warning Signs that a teen's relationship might be unhealthy include:

• Dropping school activities that used to be important
• Falling grades
• Dramatic changes in appearance, such as weight, dress or personal hygiene
• Significant decrease in time spent with other friends
• Unexplained bruises or injuries, with an explanation that doesn't make sense

Parents can help their teen by letting them know they are concerned for the teen's safety and by pointing out that what is occurring in the relationship isn't healthy.  By listening carefully, and not making judgments, a parent can let the teen know that it is not his/her fault and that no one deserves to be abused.  Offering to arrange professional support for the teen may also be warranted.

Content for this article was provided by the members of Soroptimist International of Grosse Pointe. Soroptimist International of the Americas is a volunteer organization for business and professional women who seek to improve the lives of women and girls both locally and throughout the world.  For more information about teen dating violence, please refer to the white paper Teen Dating Violence available in the white paper section of the Soroptimist website at www.soroptimist.org.

For more information about Soroptimist of Grosse Pointe, visit www.grossepointesoroptimist.org or call Marya Malkovich at 313-881-3113.

SAVE THE DATE
Matters of Choice: Recognizing Signs of Unhealthy Relationships
Tues. Feb. 15, 2011, 7pm:
Presenter: Sean Hogan Downey, LMSW, LMFT
St. Michael's Episcopal Church, Yeoman Hall
20475 Sunningdale Park, Grosse Pointe Woods (next to Parcells Middle School)
No Fee
RSVP by Feb 8 @ 313.432.3832

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