Life Changing Events
by Marla Ruhana, LMSW
Q-I am graduating from college, I should be so excited, why aren't I happy? I feel so anxious, can you help?
A-I recently saw a discussion on why films about weddings do well in theatres. Why? Because we all like watching films that feature life-changing events. Every human identifies with the birth of baby, death of loved one, a wedding, selling a home, retirement.
Life-changing events make us feel vulnerable, instill pain and help us grow. These events change who were and what we have become. We begin to grieve for who we once were.
It is normal to feel anxious. Remember that we all cope differently to life transitions. There is no right or wrong, we are all unique.
Q-Well how can I accept this change and move through these feelings?
A-Many of us simply follow societal norms. The script of the mainstream leaves many people to suffer in silence with negative feelings.
For example, many new parents feel anxious when they bring their newborn home from the hospital. Many keep feelings of shame and guilt, self-doubt and embarrassment inside, as they “should” be expected to be comfortable and confident in their new role.
The expectations we place upon ourselves, along with the "shoulds" notions, plus bottling our feelings up inside of ourselves, often escalate the anxiety. Remember that those who love us will be there to support us as we adjust.
Q-So, if you were me, who would you confide in?
A-I think it is imperative that we all recognize whom the Safe People are in our lives. Sadly, it is often not who we expect. Typically it is those who have experienced similar situations. Look to support groups as a very effective option. You can always seek the advice of mental health professionals available to you.
Q-Well, I am uncomfortable telling my parents as I do not want to disappoint them. I am hesitant to confide in my friends as they all seem fine and I do not want to seem weak. Who shall I confide in instead?
A-Be careful not to make assumptions. Your parents are likely unaware of your struggle; if they knew they'd likely be supportive. With regard to your friends, you need to let go of the "what if's" ("What if I tell them and they think I am weak and reject me as a friend?") and similar negative assumptions that can also escalate our anxiety.
I bet you would be pleasantly surprised if, once you confided in your friends, how many could honestly say they can relate and if not, how many would be remarkably compassionate. Be proactive and seek out a strong support system of those who accept and embrace you!
Marla K. Ruhana, LMSW is a clinical social worker in private practice, teaches at Wayne state University, and facilitates women's and couple's retreats in Lexington, Mi www.marlaruhana.com 586-801-4701. Visit her web site www.marlaruhana.com. Ruhana is a member of The Family Center’s Association of Professionals.
The Family Center, a 501C 3, non-profit organization, serves as the community's hub
for information, resources and referral for families and professionals.
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