The Accountability Equation
Ask the Experts by Ted Kasper, LMSW
Q: Our son is five years-old and our daughter is three. When they are ready to leave our home and go out on their own, I want our efforts as parents to result in responsible, capable, and confident people. Do you have any tips?
A: I have three words for you: "Opportunity equals responsibility" (also known as, The Accountability Equation). These three words can become the cornerstone of your family discipline policy. Using this equation throughout their lives develops the capacity to make good choices and an opportunity to learn about the relationship between cause and effect. Through consistent use, your children will feel a degree of control over their lives and it provides you with a way to hold your children accountable in a loving and respectful manner.
Through the Accountability Equation, parents are able to verbalize "Opportunity equals responsibility" on a consistent basis in a calm, clear, respectful manner. The Accountability Equation gives children the opportunity to demonstrate responsible behavior. When they do not, the opportunity is removed.
Three special words-choose, decide, & pick-help add strength and meaning to the Equation. They are linking words that will help your children "get" the cause & effect of their behavior and of the relationship between behavior and consequence. For children to understand the relationship between cause and effect, consequences must follow their choices. The Accountability Equation asks parents to structure their behavior & language in such a way that the child decides who will be the cause of the outcome. Using the words-choose, decide, & pick-attaches a behavior to a consequence and is a strategy which puts the child in control of the outcome.
Some examples of verbalizing the Accountability Equation are:
- "When you choose to throw your toys, you have decided to have them on the shelf until after dinner."
- "If you decide not to finish your homework at school, you will have chosen to do it Saturday morning."
- "If you decide to be home on-time, you have chosen to have the opportunity to play outside with them tomorrow."
- "You have the opportunity to use the car tonight. It is your responsibility to bring it back with the same amount of gas as when you left. If you have chosen to put gas in the car, then you have decided to have the car the following night. If you choose no gas, you have chosen not to use the car tomorrow night."
4 important steps in using the Accountability Equation effectively in your home.
- Explain the opportunity that the child has and the responsibility that goes with it before implementing any consequences. When giving your child a consequence for his behavior without him/her knowing it in advance, the child often sees the parent as the one responsible for losing the opportunity. What are you teaching then? How difficult might it be for your children to learn the causal relationship of their behavior to the consequence?
- Allow the child to choose to exhibit or not exhibit the behavior. The child has the opportunity to engage or not engage in the behavior. The parent doesn't tell the child what to do, the child chooses what to do. At this point, children have either chosen to be responsible (and not face the consequence) or to not be responsible (and face the consequence).
- Follow through immediately by altering the opportunity (ie, delivering the consequence). The children have chosen to be responsible (and not face the consequence) or not responsible (and face the consequence). Thus, the parent does not tell the child what to do, the child chooses what to do (and faces the consequence).
- Do give other opportunities to handle the responsibility later. Children are learning the cause-and-effect of their behavior. Thus, they need to be given as many opportunities to handle the responsibility as possible.
If the undesirable behavior was to happen again, you would begin again at step 3. It is important to remember that you are teaching your children and there is always a "learning-curve". So, don't expect your children to learn the cause-and-effect relationship of their behavior to the consequence immediately!
Ted Kasper, MA, LMSW is a licensed social worker in Macomb County. He provides counseling to children, adolescents, adults and families. He specializes in Behavior Analysis & Interventions; Parent Coaching, Mentoring and Support and "SuperNanny Services" (behavioral observation, action planning, and interventions). Contact him at 586.255.2259, email This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or visit www.familyactionplan.com for more details. Kasper is a member of The Family Center's Association of Professionals.
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