Living a More Stress-Free Life
Ask the Experts by Marla K. Ruhana, LMSW
Q: I don't know why but I feel so stressed out all of the time. Can you help?
A: In this fast-paced world, many of us feel bombarded with life stressors. We also feel one stressor is eliminated and here comes another.
Q: Yes, I get something resolved with my spouse and then I experience tremendous work stress. How do I stop the madness?
A: Well, as it has been said, 10% of what happens to us in life is beyond our control, 90% of what transpires is how we choose to react to it.
Q: Wow! Really? How will my reactions help to reduce my stress?
A: By learning new techniques to change your reactions to daily stressors, you will be able to breathe, listen, be calm and decide how you want to react to people, places, and things.
Q: Well, some things get to be too much. Why does so much of my stress feel undeserved?
A: So many times we feel that stressors are not self-imposed. However, we do choose how to react. Our reactions often escalate problems. We can explore our reactions so we can increase our own-self awareness and discover certain triggers that really set us off. Once we have a better understanding of our reactions to the people we deal with, we can learn more effective coping mechanisms. Then we can feel empowered to change our own reactions to people and situations in our lives.
Q: You make it sound so easy, is this realistic?
A: Yes, however it does take some work on your part. Self exploration can be a painful process as it often involves setting limits and boundaries with others, and even in certain circumstances, distancing ourselves from those whose energy consistently brings us down.
Q: What do you mean by setting limits and distancing ourselves?
A: As adults, often we are surrounded by others who constantly "need" something from us, maybe a friend is an alcoholic who is progressing in his disease and is unwilling to get help. Being around people like that can be very draining. We need to learn to set firm limits and boundaries such as: "Until you're ready to get help, I can no longer socialize with you"
Q: Oh I get it. But that would be challenging as I would not want to hurt a friend.
A: Yes, this would be an obstacle for many. But what is the consequence of not setting limits in terms of caring for oneself? We need to explore what drives us to surround ourselves with certain individuals. There is truth to the old saying, "we are who we hang with." Often times we may not be consciously aware of the ways in which we give others our power, nor are we aware of the reasons why we do this. Gaining insight as to why we place the needs of others before our own can be extremely helpful as an initial step to reducing your own self-inflicted stress. Often, I see within my practice that many of us want to be liked and accepted. We "people-please" others at our own expense, which in turn only leads us to feeling more cumulative stress.
Q: I get this but why do I also find myself feeling stress when I interact with my neighbor and my children?
A: Our perception in situations - and changing our reactions, no matter who the relationship is with - can alleviate unnecessary stress. One of the most challenging things for most folks is forcing yourself to do what is uncomfortable, to change your reactions and to lose the fear that we will lose the relationship. Often the fears are a distortion, as it is unlikely we will lose the relationship. In fact, the dynamics may drastically improve as they will gain respect for us and we will be engaging in self-care. This is also imperative in terms of raising children - you will be role modeling to them ways they too can take better care of themselves as adults.
Q: So do you think I can do this on my own or do I need a therapist?
A: That is your decision to make. The good news is that seeking out a mental health practitioner does not have the same stigma attached to it as it did in the past. Decades ago, people felt shame as if they were "crazy" if they sought out help for themselves. Now we live in a world in which most realistically understand life can be challenging and that it does not mean there is something "wrong with you" by seeking out professional help. Most are grateful for the support and proactively seek it out to improve the quality of their own lives.
Q: Thank you so much! I will likely find a therapist but are there other ways to cope?
A: Yes! Getting adequate sleep, eating healthy meals, 30 minutes of exercise daily, utilizing healthy support in your life (family, friends, church) and seeking out mentors whom you respect and admire to observe ways they manage their own stress. Relying on your faith can also be valuable way to alleviate stress. Quitting smoking and omitting consumption of alcoholic beverages helps too. An annual physical with your primary care physician is also beneficial to reduce stress related to any health concerns.
Marla K. Ruhana, LMSW is a Clinical Social Worker in private practice in SCS, she also teaches at Wayne State University. She can be reached at 586-801-4701 or http://www.marlaruhana.com.
Ruhana is a member of The Family Center's Association of Professionals. View her full profile >
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